You just never know

A year ago I found out that my pregnancy was ectopic. I was devastated and scared and bewildered on how or why this could happen. I had no known risk factors - it was just dumb luck. I had to put a needle in my hip to kill the developing cells and terminate the pregnancy. I don't truly remember much about that time, or that day - but I do know it was awful.

All I could think about was what should have been. It made me realize how everything can change in an instant. With time - it also made me realize how lucky I am to already have two great children. I won't lie and say that it was easy to get to that point - because it surely wasn't.

Some people seem to get through loss with few bumps or bruises... they can process what happened and move on. I on the other hand - cannot. It WAS a big deal to me. I got hyper focused on what was "wrong" with me or why it didn't "work" for us and how this must be a sign that I am un-deserving or unfit to be a mom. There were hidden messages in the most ridiculous things - all I guess, a really bizarre way for me to somehow find a reason or justification for all of this happening.

In my case, it took a long time to get "un-pregnant"... that is - after the initial treatment and substantial drop on beta HCG, achieving that all mighty "negative" or "Less than 5" status took days and days and weeks and weeks. What this translates into is many many blood draws, and no real end or closure.

So what is my point... I guess it is that you just never really know. Even if you've had the BEST luck (and I do believe it is luck!) in the past - it doesn't predict your future. It's all a roll of the dice.

What you do know, is here and now. If you are pregnant - enjoy every day of it, every feeling and emotion that it gives to you... because you really don't know if this is the last time you'll get to experience it. Embrace all of it - love it, and remember it.

And for the love of God - make NO assumptions about anyone else and their fertility. Unless you have been specifically told - you can safely assume that you know jack-squat about any one person's situation, and it would behoove you to respect and operate under the guidelines of knowing nothing.