Discouragement...

On Saturday at yoga, our instructor started the session with some thoughts on discouragement. She was telling us about something that had happened to her earlier in the week that really had her feeling discouraged, and how that, of all the feelings we as humans feel or process - discouragement is really one of the most difficult to get through. Anger, sadness, disappointment tend to motivate us to a certain degree, but discouragement often just results in us feeling hopeless or trapped, not knowing or even feeling like working through it.

There were tears in my eyes as she told us her thoughts and opinions. It's like she was looking into my soul and reading what was written in there. It really hit home.

Discouraged is the most perfect word to describe my feelings for the last 8-9 months or so. We have had a challenging year... complicated pregnancy loss that resulted in my body and systems being thrown into a bit of a tailspin.

Just when I think things are getting somewhat back to normal, something else goes amok and I am left scratching my head and making my husband crazy all over again. The feelings and emotions that go along with pregnancy, loss, and trying to conceive are intense and most often hidden. These are typically really hard topics to have casual conversations with friends about... nobody really understands.

I think discouragement hits people the hardest when they are not used to NOT achieving their goals. (Is that a double negative or some other grammar-error??) Those that know what they want, go after it and generally always succeed... have a hard time wrapping their heads around what to do when there literally - is nothing to do. Fertility (or lack thereof) is a SOB that way - more often than not there is nothing to do but wait. The reality is that it can take time. Even if the first three times were immediate - that is not the rule to live by.

It's incredibly hard to not let your mind run away with every disasterous scenario known to man. It's frustrating to watch *everyone* else in the whole wide world get pregnant and enjoy their newest additions. It's sad and lonely to not have anyone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on. It's depressing to push your husband, best friend, staunch supporter - away over and over again because you don't think he's capable of helping you.

It's easy to forget the blessings you have already been given - the ones that are there, waiting with open arms and the sweetest kisses when you're at the bottom of the barrel.

For a time - I did forget. I was lost. I was getting desperate and I didn't know how to ask for help, becuase I don't ask for help. Like ever. I am the helper, not the "helpee". I can solve the problem.

Anyway - Yogi-Kate offered her insight for trying to work through discouragement. She asked us to think about ants, of all things... and to remember how ants behave when we mean old humans squish down their ant hills intentionally - instantly throwing their lives into bedlam. They all have a specific duty, a job, and the processes they use to survive are ancient and proven. When the ant hill gets squished - they freak out and scurry all over the place, trying to compensate... and then slowly but surely, one, two, three, sixteen... all of them work together to create a new entrance into the tunnels and recreate the ant hill. They gather their collective wits about them and move forward. And it always, always works!

So - I am trying to gather my collective wits about me and move forward. If the ants can make it work, surely I can to... just gotta believe. Someone squished my ant hill last year... and I have been frantic, trying to figure out what to do next. The truth is I know what to do - I just have to remember to go back to doing what I know.