The agony of waiting

One of the crappiest long term effects of pregnancy loss is that any subsequent pregnancy is clouded in pessimism. It's not that we want to be sad - we try so hard to stay positive and happy. We just know that it can all go bad in an instant. You're afraid to let your heart feel the possibility becuase healing from the loss takes so long, and hurts so badly.

A miscarriage or pregnancy loss will forever alter your perspective on actually being pregnant. It's a difficult journey when all the innocence or naiive thinking is gone. We try so incredibly hard to get pregnant, and then - in one moment, when we see that pink line or the word "pregnant" on a stick we've longed to pee on - everything is amazing and wonderful. It is short lived though - becuase as soon as you find out you ARE pregnant - well then - that just means your in a position to have it all ripped away.

Every sign, every symptom or lack of symptom is thought about. Constantly. It's not by choice!! When I peed on that stick and saw the line last week I was completely overcome with joy and abandon. Now - I am absolutely certain that it is over. I had my second blood draw this morning and only time will tell - but I feel nothing. Not that I felt much to begin with - but I did have some swelling and sensitivity "up stairs" and that has abated.

I hate feeling this way - I am not normaly a down or pessimistic kind of person - but when it comes to this... it's just easier to prepare for the worst, I guess.

**EDIT - beta HCG today was 3041. (384 on 5-22-08)
**EDIT again - so that is a good sign... for anyone reading that doesn't understand why I care!! beta should double approximately every 48 hours, so based on that the target today was somewhere between ~1600 and 2000 or thereabouts. Suffice to say we hit it out of the park.