About a year ago - give or take - something amazing happened. I don't know exactly when because I was past and SO OVER trying to keep track of anything related to my (lack of) fertility. But it was around now.
Maybe it was the fact that we stopped trying, or I stopped obsessing... who knows. About a year ago today... one little egg met one little sperm and grew us something special. I know it was today because Ken and Matthew left on Friday of Mother's Day weekend for their Y Guides camp weekend and I made a point to send my husband off for that insane weekend in style! :)
I had no idea then, that I'd be where we are today. I am so thankful, so happy - and maybe even humbled - to have received this perfect gift that is Amelia.
When Matthew and Ainsley were conceived and born... I didn't really know anyone that had ever had issues with fertility or miscarriage or still birth or late term loss or failed IVF or chromosome abnormalities or any of the other 50 things that I could probably name now... because I DO know people going through those things. We were fortunate that my issues were tiny - and treatable - so many don't have that in their favor. I never thought about what it would be like to want something so badly and have it not work out.
I do think about that now, even still.
I know what it feels like -physically and emotionally - to want it more than anything. Know what it feels like when a doctor says "This isn't good". Know the feeling of a steel needle delivering medicine to terminate the cell division that was supposed to become my child. Know the tears that come when the bleeding starts... stops...
For months I wanted to reach out to those that I knew had experienced some kind of loss and ask them if I could have a "do-over". I knew what it was like now, so I wanted to tell them how sorry I was instead of brush it off and tell them "it would happen". Trust me... those words ARE RIDICULOUS. I just didn't know until I knew... how meaningless they were. I wanted to hug all those women and say "I get it. And I am so friggin sorry I didn't know what to say before..."
It all just sucks... the issues around trying to build a family. I wish I had a magic wand to make all of that crap disappear so that people could just have their babies and they'd be healthy and happy.
But I don't. So all I can say is this - hang in there. There are ups and downs, and I know that in the end - it's not going to be perfect for everyone. I know in the very core of my being how goddamn lucky we are and I promise I will never, ever take it for granted. I will pray and wish and hope every night that it works out the way you want it to also... and if it doesn't - then know that a little piece of my heart is broken right along side yours.
Because these little creatures - these delicious, sweet and amazing babies that are ours - they are awesome. They are worth the struggles - they are worth the pain that often comes with trying to obtain them. Don't give up.
Maybe it was the fact that we stopped trying, or I stopped obsessing... who knows. About a year ago today... one little egg met one little sperm and grew us something special. I know it was today because Ken and Matthew left on Friday of Mother's Day weekend for their Y Guides camp weekend and I made a point to send my husband off for that insane weekend in style! :)
I had no idea then, that I'd be where we are today. I am so thankful, so happy - and maybe even humbled - to have received this perfect gift that is Amelia.
When Matthew and Ainsley were conceived and born... I didn't really know anyone that had ever had issues with fertility or miscarriage or still birth or late term loss or failed IVF or chromosome abnormalities or any of the other 50 things that I could probably name now... because I DO know people going through those things. We were fortunate that my issues were tiny - and treatable - so many don't have that in their favor. I never thought about what it would be like to want something so badly and have it not work out.
I do think about that now, even still.
I know what it feels like -physically and emotionally - to want it more than anything. Know what it feels like when a doctor says "This isn't good". Know the feeling of a steel needle delivering medicine to terminate the cell division that was supposed to become my child. Know the tears that come when the bleeding starts... stops...
For months I wanted to reach out to those that I knew had experienced some kind of loss and ask them if I could have a "do-over". I knew what it was like now, so I wanted to tell them how sorry I was instead of brush it off and tell them "it would happen". Trust me... those words ARE RIDICULOUS. I just didn't know until I knew... how meaningless they were. I wanted to hug all those women and say "I get it. And I am so friggin sorry I didn't know what to say before..."
It all just sucks... the issues around trying to build a family. I wish I had a magic wand to make all of that crap disappear so that people could just have their babies and they'd be healthy and happy.
But I don't. So all I can say is this - hang in there. There are ups and downs, and I know that in the end - it's not going to be perfect for everyone. I know in the very core of my being how goddamn lucky we are and I promise I will never, ever take it for granted. I will pray and wish and hope every night that it works out the way you want it to also... and if it doesn't - then know that a little piece of my heart is broken right along side yours.
Because these little creatures - these delicious, sweet and amazing babies that are ours - they are awesome. They are worth the struggles - they are worth the pain that often comes with trying to obtain them. Don't give up.
1 comment:
I wish I didn't know what you are talking about. I wish that neither of us had to experience loss to gain empathy, and I wish happy endings happened to everyone.
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